Hello. I realize that losing hope or faith is offensive to those who believe in God’s never-ending love, but I’m sure there are many out there like me who have experienced so much devastating pain over many years that it can shake your faith after a while. I feel right now like I could check off almost every category for my prayer needs, because I used to truly believe that God’s love would help me through the painful experiences that are constant in my life; loss of first husband (high school sweetheart), to cancer, fighting through years of resulting depression, only to end up marrying a controlling narcissist (first husband was the opposite) whose fake personality and wallet have convinced my teenage son that I am as dysfunctional as his father claims I am and all I do is fight with him and make things terrible in our home. After years of emotional, psychological and financial abuse, and no accountability for his behavior or damage and neglect to our marriage and obvious damage to our son, my husband refuses to accept any responsibility and has continued to blame and berate me. Although I know I’m not perfect and I screw up plenty, I feel so lost, alone and damaged after years of abuse and now feeling like I’ve truly lost my son after everything I’ve worked so hard to help him with for a better life for himself, especially trying to teach him to be independent and self-sufficient, while not being a helicopter mom. Lately, all he says to me are deeply hurtful and critical things, last night telling me to leave! My son! So here I go, talking on and on without mentioning God. Why? Because my belief and faith did not need constant verification. I didn’t always stop to question whether God is here with me, loving me, giving me strength or guiding me. But my son is now such a mess over our horrible home life, has lost faith in me, and is now blaming me for all of it, as does his father. I’ve tried to end the marriage after several attempts at counseling where my husband would bail. I’ve tried to point out how damaging this has been for our child and how my husband’s behavior toward me and spoiling our son has had a negative impact on my ability to be the best parent and person I can be, but he thinks that because he pays the bills, buys nice things for us and spoils his son, then he’s a perfect father and husband. Since this marriage, I have had to go into therapy and go on meds for depression and anxiety, as has my son, who has ADHD/OCD and anxiety. My friends and family, who are now fully aware of the situation, are astonished because they know me and can’t believe someone would treat me this way. My husband has never tried any counseling, not to help save our marriage (which I no longer want to save), not to see where he may be responsible, not to help our son. He’s bailed on every attempt at marriage counseling, but not before lying and deflecting when the spotlight landed on him. So I’m at a point where I’m trapped in an abusive marriage, I’m watching my son deteriorate and grow away from me and the faith and trust he used to have in me, and I’m wondering where is God’s love and guidance when I need it? Where was he when my first husband got sick and died? Where was he when I unknowingly became involved with and married a narcissist who appreciates nothing I’ve ever done for him, his family, or our child? Where was he during the years I helped care for my mother-in-law at the expense of time with my own mother and while my husband claimed I lack empathy and I’m a mental patient? Where is he when I’m feeling so low and lost and devastated and having no hope to live a purposeful or happy life? Where is he when I’ve exhausted all of my efforts to help my son with his issues and he still struggles severely? I haven’t only sought God during troubled times, I’ve always thanked and praised Him during good times and have never taken Him for granted. Where is he? I’m tired of hearing about my faith being tested. I’ve been tested severely so many times and ways in my life and at almost 60, I just want peace already. I want to be happy and not struggle with my faith and be told “just believe.” I’m tired of being told that I’m only still here now because of God’s love. Where and when do the struggles and pain end?? When I’m dead?
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