Hit Rock Bottom, Tired and Weary, Lost and Broken

by Dorothy ()

I don’t know why, but this morning, here I sit in my old bedroom at the age of 55. I now live back home
with my parents (in their 80’s) and my two teenagers. I lost our home because I got sick with bad Cellulitis which is Lymphdema for three months, so I couldn’t pay our bills and I relied on my parents for everything. My parents said we could move back here (home) to help them. We did, so we could work and save money for our own house. My dad still works 12 hours a day at his business and my mom just does her thing tv, read, sleep, tv, sleep. That’s all she wants to do. My teenagers volunteer on the weekends with a National Historic place in our town and they both work. I was working until I got Covid 19 and the company I worked for said I had to be cleared by a doctor with a negative test. Because I had covid and I am no longer sick I will still test positive for Covid for 3 months. That is what the Nurse and Doctor both explained to our big boss at the company. My one teenager had it also, they let her comeback but I was replaced while out sick. So now I have 52 plus applications in and No Job. Once again I borrowed money from my parents when our truck broke down. But this morning I came to a face to face with myself and realized I have done so much wrong and I think I broke all the 10 commandments. In my younger days, I have lied, not been so nice to my parents, had an abortion (diaphramic hernia), I was looking for love and had several men I went out with and then I was in an abusive marriage and I talked to and wrote letters to one of my x’s who to this day I loved very much just to survive, so is that adultrey? My x was 1500 miles away. I have cussed and hurt my entire family. why all the sudden am I facing myself? I have 2 interviews this coming week one job is 1 hour away. What I pray for is a job where I can work around my teenagers jobs and help my parents and work full time, and still be there for everyone. My parents have to have dinner made by me on the table by 7pm or my mother gets very upset. Why? Also my mother makes this noise I can’t explain it only when my dad comes in from work and they smack their food as loud as they can. Why? I don’t understand and if I ask anything about their health, I get screamed at by my mom and my dad just looks at me. The TV is blaring at night when my dad watches it, he doesn’t hear my mom so she screams over the tv I have said calmly that the tv is to loud. Right now, I have hit rock bottom, I know deep down all i’m doing is complaing and i’m sorry. I just have really hit rock bottom, no home of our own, no savings, no job and I feel like as hard as I try I just keep getting pushed backwards. I have repented but I didn’t cry, I pray in the morning before my day starts and at night before bed, I just don’t understand what i’m doing so wrong when I am trying, what am I missing. Is it because of all the bad things I have done throughout my life? Is it because I am a unworthy person? I just don’t know. I also don’t know how I am going to pay for my teenagers tution in the fall at College ($2500 for 8 months each year for 4 years) I am so stressed out. Without a job, without saving, how can I ever be a good mom or daughter or sister to provide for my 2 youngest teenagers and repay everyone back?
Thank you if you read this, I want to apologize for complaining, I truly have hit rock bottom, I want to succeed but I just keep going backwards, I am so going in so many different ways to please everyone but I can’t. I don’t know how. I want to work but no one seems to want to hire me. Please pray for me and our family for guidance, or a miracle . Thank you for your time.

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