I am a sinner. Plain and simple. Each time I long to walk with my Lord and seek him out, I seem to do even more to distance myself from Him. And over just the last few years 10 of my beloved family members and best and closest friends died, including my Husband and Father and now my Step-Father is in hospice. All Ten are males and they are gone, ten. Everything of value that I used to own has been stolen, including my only vehicle. I am numb. I am broke. My family and I are not close anymore. Even my own children and Grandchildren can feel that I am “off”. I don’t seem to be able to feel normal emotions anymore. I can’t even cry anymore.
All that said.
The Lord has blessed me so many times and I don’t even know why. There isn’t a single problem that has invaded my life that He has not come to my aid. I know no matter what happens, He is there. Not at my chosen time or manner, but His. He even inspired a friend to actually BUY me a vehicle. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t go to church, I don’t pray, I would feel guilty if I did. To make up for my many faults, I try to do small things I believe He would want me to. If someone asks for something I have, I give it, help anyone I think needs it, and I feed dozens of stray animals who have adopted ME as their Human Mom and lunch wagon. And although I cannot even pay my own utilities every month, and told I should NOT feed them, I just know the Lord would never say that and He has NEVER allowed any of them to go hungry. Something always turns up at the last moment which enables me to feed them. I know the little I do try to do to make up for my sins is nothing, yet He sends his Blessings every time. Thank you Father for your patience and the many times you have sent help my way, even though I cannot even ask you for it. I realize you know I Love you, believe in you and have faith that you will be there to chew me out when my time comes, I just can’t justify “why” you would bother with me at all. I will make this my first prayer in years. Father, please teach me to pray again and guide me to find my heart and “feel” (anything) again and be even closer to you than I was when I was saved. I miss walking with you. You gave me an incredible gift. You actually put your mighty yet gentle hand on my shoulder at one of the lowest points in this roller coaster of a life I have created. My back was literally leaning against a wall when you touched me. I KNOW it was you. I knew it then. I felt it. There was no fear. I felt what peace was for the first time and last time. For some reason, I didn’t even flinch as though I wasn’t surprised at all then. Now, yes, then no. To be given such a rare gift, a physical touch, not just the spiritual feeling, and for me to throw it away is unforgiveable. I am truly sorry. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your Blessings. Amen.
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