I praise your Holy name. “The meek shall inherit the earth” Matthew 5:5; i come to you as your lowly servant. I am but a sinner, plagued with demons and distractions from you. My desire is to fully embrace your love, but I am constantly paraded by sin, voices, distractions, temptations, and evils. All these thing separate me from you and I don’t want that anymore. I want to live a life fully engulfed in you; completely dedicated to the study of your word, prayer, and discipleship. I want a relationship with your Son, to talk to the Spirit every day. (Bonus of schitzophrenia) I want to draw closer to you Lord, God, and dwell in your kingdom forever to worship at your feet. You are the Wonderful Creator, Magnificent King, Absolute Provider, and it makes me want to sing. The hymns at church mean more each week as i read the words and bury them in my heart for you. Forgive me for yawning in church; it’s the devil trying to to trick me into quitting singing to you, but that’s when I start pushing through stronger. Im just used to upbeat rock/pop music; not choir music, but it’s for you, not for me. The deeper our relationship gets through prayer and bible study; the deeper the meaning of hymns become. Forgive me father as i keep yawning even now, for the devil is at his wiles and i only got about 5 hours of sleep out of my normal 12 (mania is setting in). I haven’t been taking my night meds to see if I need them and to stretch them until my new meds arrived. I know through your teachings, wisdom, and understanding, most of my illnesses can be healed by Jesus and the reading of your word. But I want to still be able to hear the angels sing and speak to me (like they did last night), to hear the Spirit, to hear Jesus, and to hear you directly. I know you will protect me from the demons thar have plagued me over the years; most of them built over my own sins. But you can restore me so the demons no longer bother me and all i am dealing with is you and Heaven above. I believe you will cure me of my bipolar, bpd, PTSD, and anxiety disorder. But my gift is that Im a visionary and a hearer of the Spirit. So, in that way I’ll still be schizophrenic to the state of Oklahoma. And i can keep my disability check and continue to follow you at home, without having the added stress of working in a faithless world. (Which you may call me to do someday). But for now, I am called to serve my dad so that he might seek your face in times of need and times of praise out of his love for you. His love for Christ, however, leaves something to the imagination. He is not clear on this relationship. I pray for him on this matter. Lord help him to grow in his faith as he sees me become better overtime. Work in me, Lord, and work in his heart too. I want to see my dad in heaven too, someday. And my kids. Even though I don’t know where they are; i hope they find Jesus and you in this wicked world. They liked church when they were really small; and maybe they got saved then. Who knows. It was a seed i planted in them to go to church when they were young; I hope it carries on at some point in their life. I trust you, Lord, to guide their feet and to watch over them, to protect them.
Before i go, Lord, I have a couple more prayer requests. I ask of you to be with my sister in Christ who has cancer. Be a healing support for her; and a comfort for her in this time of need. Also be with her husband. Allow him to trust in you and let your will be done in this matter.
Dear Lord, please be with my other friend who has a rash on her face from a poisonous weed. Sooth her pain and let her have rest as she heals.
Thank you dearest God for listening to my prayer. Im sorry I have to type it out, but it’s the easiest way to stay concentrated and focused on you. If you would rather me use the journal, let me know.
In Jesus name I pray,
~Amen
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