I realize that lots of my problems are actually the terrible result of unconscious self punishing. Many of my problems are the unconscious poor choices I make, not from self-love, but from unrealized self hatred. Where this unconscious self loathing and self criticizing comes from I don’t really know…perhaps, upbringing or bad experiences with others, even family and friends. But Heavenly Father it is there, somewhere inside me, this self hatred which I am only beginning to “see”.
And so I make stupid choices…blind choices from blinding self anger or worse, not really caring much about myself – that what happens to me really doesn’t matter. I know and have been taught that YOU love me. But still, deep inside myself there is this “thing” – this anger against myself. I guess one could call it blame. I blame myself for lots of things and I don’t know why?
So, please Heavenly Father help me to stop blaming and criticizing myself for things that go wrong around me. I guess I try so hard to be perfect to myself and others that when I screw up or things don’t go the way I had hoped they would, I get very angry at myself and blame myself and this leads to self hatred and an unconscious desire for self punishment.
So, maybe what I really need is FORGIVENESS. To learn to forgive not only others, but myself. Forgiveness is a form of LOVE, so that’s why I titled this prayer, “a prayer for love”.
And I must always remember YOUR willing forgiveness and love of me, through Jesus Christ, your Son.
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