I have been praying for 4 years for God to do whatever He needs to, to bring J to his knees and realize what damage his drinking, lying has done and continues to do, to our 3 1/2yr old daughter and myself. And after 4 years nothing has changed, if anything, after the lie J told me on Saturday, it just tells me things are worse than ever and I am stupid to want a family with this man. It felt like Mike Tyson punched me in the gut on Saturday, that is the only way to describe how it felt catching him in another lie, headed out in a party limo to drink and hit on girls all night. Off and on I tried to tell his family & friends how bad his drinking is, but either they didn’t believe me, or they just blamed me for it. And after 4 years of praying, begging God to help, He hasn’t either. And from my experience, after what happened on Saturday, I don’t think God will ever help me.
I don’t understand how He can watch me cry and cry and cry and be so brokenhearted and not answer.
When I was a child the only time I ever heard about God was when someone was swearing. I did hear that Jesus loves all the children of the world. So I used to beg that Jesus would save me from my physically and emotionally abusive stepdad and he never did. And to save me from my sexually abusive babysitters son. I walked 5 miles when we didn’t have school because it was cancelled due to a blizzard, to a friends house, in tennis shoes, no hat or gloves, just to get away from him and my halfbrother. My halfbrother saw the way his father treated me, so he started doing the same. So I never understood and still don’t why Jesus didn’t help me.
I thought my stepdad was right, I would never amount to anything and everything else he used to say, when if Jesus loves all the children, I must not be worth helping.
So fast forward to me running into J, who I knew from high school back in 2007. We started dating and for the 1st time I thought I truly met the 1.
I had been engaged before, dated someone else for 6 years, but nothing felt like this. He supposedly felt it too. He said he wanted to give me the family I never had. we fought a lot because of his drinking. I ended up pregnant, sold my home, moved in with him. I thought that I finally had my own family, I belonged somewhere. It was supposed to be the family that I never had. His drinking never stopped, me and our daughter almost died with my toxemia. He kicked us out at the end of 2009. I lost my job due to the company’s downsizing, still haven’t found work yet, been praying nonstop for that too, but nothings happened.
Since 2009 J and I have “tried” to repair our relationship, but his drinking and selfishness and lying gets in the way. Our daughter hates not being with both of us. When I found out I was pregnant, J and I agreed to do whatever it took to stay together for our child. We both come from divorced families and both our childhoods were hard.
So fast forward to now and I keep wondering where God is at. I am beyond hurt, desperately need a job and I keep praying and nothing changes, keeps getting worse. If I didn’t have my daughter I would of thrown in the towel a long time ago. I feel like such a pathetic loser and I don’t know what to do.