Struggling with waning faith and difficulty believing there are good things in store for me

by M. (New York)

The past few months have been really difficult for me. Some days I am able to get myself together and complete most of my tasks, but on other days I move forward with a heavy heart, feeling such an incredible amount of pain all at once and for such an extended period of time. Maybe it’s high-functioning depression, maybe there is something more. God has taken me on an incredible journey over the past three years, but in the past couple of months, I have had thoughts wondering if He hates me, wondering why He is punishing me, wondering why He is silent in moments when I feel I need Him the most. My heart breaks over my family falling apart basically. Things are so sad at home and I worry about my parents. My heart is breaking literally every day because I think I love this guy (or at least really, really, really like him) and he just can’t seem to make up his mind about me. I have always been an excellent student, but now I am running into a wall in grad school and seemingly cannot manage my time well enough to perform at the high level I need to perform at. Career-wise, I am worried that things will not come to fruition and I will be in mountains of student loan debt….I try to remind myself that these are fears and not reality…I feel inadequate in many ways. I try to take away some lessons, but really, I feel as though life is battering me down every single day and I can scarcely breathe because I am crushed under the weight of so much pain and suffering and I cannot free myself somehow. I try to remind myself each day that God has good plans in store for me, but I have been in this very difficult season for months (and if we are speaking of depression, years) and I feel like I just really need a break and I can’t take it anymore. Nothing is clear to me and I don’t understand God’s plan for me. I pray for some clarity and I also pray for mercy and grace.