The past few months have been really difficult for me. Some days I am able to get myself together and complete most of my tasks, but on other days I move forward with a heavy heart, feeling such an incredible amount of pain all at once and for such an extended period of time. Maybe it’s high-functioning depression, maybe there is something more. God has taken me on an incredible journey over the past three years, but in the past couple of months, I have had thoughts wondering if He hates me, wondering why He is punishing me, wondering why He is silent in moments when I feel I need Him the most. My heart breaks over my family falling apart basically. Things are so sad at home and I worry about my parents. My heart is breaking literally every day because I think I love this guy (or at least really, really, really like him) and he just can’t seem to make up his mind about me. I have always been an excellent student, but now I am running into a wall in grad school and seemingly cannot manage my time well enough to perform at the high level I need to perform at. Career-wise, I am worried that things will not come to fruition and I will be in mountains of student loan debt….I try to remind myself that these are fears and not reality…I feel inadequate in many ways. I try to take away some lessons, but really, I feel as though life is battering me down every single day and I can scarcely breathe because I am crushed under the weight of so much pain and suffering and I cannot free myself somehow. I try to remind myself each day that God has good plans in store for me, but I have been in this very difficult season for months (and if we are speaking of depression, years) and I feel like I just really need a break and I can’t take it anymore. Nothing is clear to me and I don’t understand God’s plan for me. I pray for some clarity and I also pray for mercy and grace.
by M. (New York)