Set on a strong foundation

by Dave ()

I’ve been a Christian for at least 37 years. I have crashed hard at least 15 times to a state of burn out and suicidal depression. I’ve admitted my self to the local mental ward 3 times in the last 4 years for fear of taking my life. The second to last time I slit my wrist hoping I would bleed out.
I gave up on my third marriage about 4 months ago after being separated for over a year now. Finally accepting the fact that I’m a recovering sex addict that is incapable of truly committing to any woman and trying know to accept that a relationship with Jesus is how I want to finish the race.
I realize now that my self employment was feeding my ego and I was puffed up with pride which was really an attempt to cover up my insecurities. Making money became a priority and lots of signs of workaholism to avoid my social anxieties.
I also have likely been sexually abused at least once by a man and woman at the same time and could have been sexually abused four other times. I stuffed memories away and went through therapy from mostly Christian councillors (several) with one taking me through regressive therapy, giving me a clear picture of the abuse in one case with the man and woman which was probably a real memory not a relived experience? Bottom line, I don’t think I have any real closure even though Jesus appeared in the background while the abuse with the man and woman was taking place with tears streaming down his face. I later processed that he was crushed by the abuse but because man has free will he allowed it to happen, it took some of the anger away I had towards God for allowing it to happen to an innocent child and how it’s effected my ability to be sane.
I’m just about 62, isolating in a mobile home for about 2 months now, afraid to start again. Have maybe two months of finances left for rent, food, vehicle insurance. Because of my dysfunction background I will have a terrible pension from times of employability working through the abuse stuff, addiction consequences and scary boundary issues. It fearful I’m running out of time to become whole.
I recently lost my sex drive (ED) and although it’s kind of a blessing I’m battling with grief from the loss of my marriage, jealous thoughts and no closure. We haven’t talked in about a month now. I’m also grieving the loss of what feels my manhood. Grieving job loss, feeling like giving up my business has to be done.
I am 32 years clean and sober from an alcohol and drug addiction but have transferred my addictions to other things, sex, gambling, shopping, food, tv etc….
Sorry for the length of this text but all I want to do now is live for God but I’m still the self centred, selfish, fleshly carnal Christian that is fighting God to not go back to Church, be with other believers and get feeling better again to go out on some new tangent catering to the flesh in some foolish way.
If this sounds reasonable, I ask for prayer to have a foundation built on the rock. That the eyes of my heart will be open to the Holy Spirit, the word of God and be clear of where amends need to be made, I can find acceptance in old age and the grace to love of others. One of my worst fears has been, I don’t want to be a krotchety old man (which is how I see myself) and I must admit I’d rather be dead, so freedom from any thoughts of suicide.
My hopes are God will restore all that the locus has taken and I can have the power, the love and sound mind to serve home like never before! I would love to put the diapers away and see some genuine growth instead of wandering in the dessert.
I’m sure I have a lot of amends to be made could you pray I have the courage and obedience to follow Gods lead and the enemy be held at bay and be free of his confusion tactics so I can have a single minded strength to do whatever God leads me to.
And finally an assurance of salvation, in this isolation and idolness the enemy has reminded me of pretty much all of my sin and it’s hard to believe a Christian could do and live the way I have. I would love to see the fruits of the spirit be walked out.
I sincerely thank you for your prayers, I know I’m asking for miracles, but I’m quite desperate and experienced a miracles from prayer at least a couple of times, God Bless

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