Dear heavenly father.
I know that you already know this, but I’m hoping that telling the world here will help make my sins more real to me. I’ve prayed about these same things many times more, but I don’t think that I was sincere.
I hope that now it will make the impression on me how real what I’ve done disappoints you and would disappoint my parents and friends if they knew even half.
I’m addicted to pornography. But the thing is that I’m a guy and I’m addicted to naked guys. Not doing ‘gay’ things, but just looking at them. Originally I thought that since I was only looking at the same sex it was no different than seeing guys in the locker room. I had convinced myself of this when I was probably 11 or 12 years old, and this lie has continued until I’m now 20. Thinking back just now I’m ashamed to admit that i’ve been looking at the pictures online for probably 9 years now and unfortunately my parents only found out once.
I’m very slowly starting to realize how much this has effected my spiritual life. And it saddens me so much knowing that I could have been so close to you if I had not been committing so many sins and disappointing you so much. Every time I prayed or thought about talking to someone about you I stopped and thought something like ‘I look at porn, how can I possibly look that person in the eye and tell them about Jesus and his saving power if I can’t even accept that myself’. If I would have accepted your gift I could have genuinely shared you so many times. When I prayed I could have spoken honestly to you without such a veil of guilt around me. When I sing to you I could have given my all without trying to drown out my shame. Lord, I’m sorry for all my missed opportunity. I hoped that by volunteering my time at church and other events that it would help me inside with my shame. It didn’t. Instead it just fueled my ego. People would say thank you for helping, and I took that as praise to me myself and I only. I forgot that I was working for you, to bring others to you through physical labor. Lord, please forgive me of taking that glory from you.
Because of all of this I have, at times like right now, felt that I could never be a good husband for the women you have for me. I’ve never prayed for that person I’m to marry one day. I’ve even considered not getting married, because of my inner secrete. How could I possibly tell her? The only other girl I’ve dated was wrong for me, because she didn’t really follow you and only acted like she was because she knew that’s what I wanted. Lord please give me the strength to tell my one day fianc what I’ve done so that our relationship would be strengthened by complete honesty.
Lord, because of this secrete of mine I’ve physically created ruts in my mind because of my rested action of viewing these things that it will be so darn easy to just slide back into looking for and viewing. I can’t even escape the images when I close my eyes, because they start to flashing up in my mind. Lord please let me find an escape from these pictures in you.
I know that I will also need support from close friends here. Please let me find them or grow stronger with the friends that I have. Lord you know that I’m not great with interacting with friends, but please help me.
Because of what I’ve done I carry so much shame and self disappointment. Lord please help me to overcome my hate for myself. Let me get out of the way of myself to realize your full love.
I know that when I’ve thought of looking at the porn, or thinking of it when I masterbate that I’ve heard you trying to tell me to quit. That was one of the things I prayed about in the past. Thank you for your constant reminders, and I’m so sort for ignoring you almost each and very time.
I know that going forward from here will be tough, because my addiction is an inner one that I can easily hide and fake a face for the world to see. Because I’m seen as the ‘christian guy’ on campus people assume that I’m fine. If I had an addiction to something outside it may be easier, but please let me find or build a support system. Please don’t let myself dwell and close myself and my healing off. Lord, please help me to heal my mind, and not to let my ‘christen guy’ persona cover the fact that I’m healing. Please let my worship to you be genuine, and let me not think about what other people think of me when I worship you. Lord, let me worship with my all.
Lord, let the things I do even when I’m alone in my dorm room or at home, and let my thought always be on you. And if I do slip back into the rut again, please remind me that I’m on a mission to make a new rut. I know this will not be easy to turn away from and it that it may take years to get away from completely, but don’t let my slip-up’s take me so far back into that darkness that I loose sight of you again. Lord please help me. Amen