I am 34 years old. I was married in 2009 for a little over a year. I was with my ex husband for 7 years before we got married. He was a good person but changed and acted like I didn’t exist. We went to premarital counseling before our marriage and even took a vow that we kept of celibacy for over a year with the intention of showing God we were serious about our marriage and wanted His blessing. The opposite happened. He didn’t pay any attention to me, didn’t even talk to me sometimes. Stayed out late often and was not intimate with me at all. I felt like something was wrong with me. I tried to work on our relationship, scheduling a counseling session he choose not to attend and trying to talk to him. He filed for divorce and I moved out of state back to my home town. This happened in the span of a year or so. I still don’t believe it. This took a psychological toll on me and was a huge financial expense, moving unexpectedly back to a high cost city.
Once I got back I took a job that was extremely stressful and overwhelming. I was not treated fair at this job. I developed physical pains and suffered anxiety as a result. I am now looking for a new job, struggling financially and feel so deeply alone. I don’t understand how my life took this turn and I am worried I will not meet someone soon enough to have children and a family because of my age. I feel like I don’t have friends or anyone that understands but I do have a mother and father who love me very much. My heart hurts so much everyday and I am sure I am clinically depressed as I have have felt this way once before in my life for a sustained amount of time. I cry often and feel like my mind is foggy. I want to be happy and optimistic and I try but I feel like I’m trying to walk on broken legs. I took a new job that I thought was going to be the beginning of good things and after a week I quit because I am being careful to not put my health at risk at another negative, relentless work environment. There is a hiring freeze in NYC for teachers so it is difficult for me to find something.
My loneliness is greater than me and I desperately want to be genuinely hopeful and happy again. So many bad things have happened that I tried to avoid. Pain and sadness are my companions everyday. Please pray for me. I thank you.