Once again my pleas and cries for help are ignored. I so desperately want to go home, I want to live, I want to be able to spend the holidays with my family. I’m tired of living in fear. Afraid to open my mail due to past due notices, afraid to answer the phone or open the door for fear of bill collectors. No vacations, no going out to dinner or even the zoo, can’t afford to rent a movie,can barely afford groceries. I’m so sick of living in debt, wondering how to pay the bills, which ones to pay immediately and which ones do I have to wait to pay. I fear retirement since we have zero savings, I fear getting sick since we don’t have money for medical care. My siblings don’t understand that my husband and I are broke. They say since you don’t come to see us obviously family isn’t a priority to you, you don’t care about us. I don’t need that on top of all the other problems. I’ve been getting pains in my left arm again, I know it’s a sign of a heart attack, I had once before asked the doctor about it but he knows we can’t afford the medical care so he told me to wait it out and see what happens. I need money, I’m slowly dying here and no one cares. Pain in the arm, swollen and painful ankles, all symptoms of a failing heart. I walk every day, I try to run but my asthma prevents me from running too much, I need help but can’t afford it. I’ve been praying for so long and each time instead of help I get more bills, more problems. I don’t remember ever being happy, I can’t think of a time when I felt safe and secure. I can’t take anymore of this. I feel like I’ve been selected from birth to be a loser, to be laughed at and ridiculed. I repeatedly hear how ugly and dumb I am. I don’t have any friends, I feel so alone in this world. When I realize that this is my life until I die, nothing but problems and fear then I wish I would die now. I don’t have a future, I’m at the age where I’m too old to enjoy life, there’s so much I can’t do because my aging body won’t let me. I may still be breathing but I died years ago. I feel like I must have done something in a previous life to be suffering so much now. I can’t go on like this anymore, why won’t anyone help me. It’s too much for me now. I spend my days crying and wishing I were dead, the world would be better without me. No one will miss me, no one will care. They don’t now so what difference would it make. Lord, why have I been chosen to suffer so, why can’t I be happy, why can’t I go home, why can’t I have financial security, why can’t I have friends, the friends I meet quickly disappear since I never have money to go anywhere or do anything, why can’t I be allowed to live and enjoy life. Money to get the proper medical care, money to pay bills on time, so much money that I can help others and never have to worry about money again.
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