All my life, I have faced fierce battles spiritual in nature, horrible in the flesh.
From as young a 3, I remember my mother being beaten unconscious, my siblings beaten and abused, horrible drugs used around me, sexual molestations, rape, overdoses, evil actions by others, death, homosexual assaults until at the age of 16, I had the strength to use a weapon and stop my stepfather from further assaults on us.
I did not kill him, I stopped him and we packed and left forever. Life dealt me some serous cards that lead to confusion, anger, drugs and eventually an attempt to stop my life.
I am a sane individual yet my heart is in pain. I pounded my fist on the carpet and screamed “god if you are real, then save me….please I beg.”
He did. Life changed rapidly. I married, had children, great job, life was good. I tried to be faithful, not without stumbling but knew in the back of my mind I would always protect my family.
In 2007, my wife of 20 years left, filed for divorce, and divorced me in 91 days. My kids scattered , one to college, one to marriage without my invitation, and one lived with me at home. December 4th 2011, I breathed his last breath into his body as he lay dying in my home. He died of a drug overdose. I preached to him constantly, I took him to counseling, I prayed for him. yet he died in my arms. 17 years old.
Today I sat in my room and stared out the window. No feelings, no thoughts, no passion. I want to get going and move on but I cannot find the energy or the focus. I asked god why… I asked god for what purpose was my life on this earth and through all the pain. I asked god why did he not hear my prayers to protect my family, to remove sin from my life, to guide me, to hear me, to simply help me with the simple prayers. All is gone and now I hear ticking of the clock. For what purpose do I live…
I do not know what to pray for. I know what I want to pray for but everything seems too late. For what purpose? I ask. My heart is in pain. I feel every beat. Please pray for me.