I haven’t prayed this sincerely in a long time. This is the first time in my life that I have even written down a prayer from the heart.
My family is filled with extremely spiritual and humble people. I, however, have been struggling with my faith for the last 3 to 4 years. I have recently felt that I was keeping the door to my soul closed. That in mingling with the world around me, I was putting off the big questions and allowing myself to make decisions that don’t necessarily agree with my inner morals. I kept saying I’ll save the Jiminy Cricket thoughts for later. That maybe I’d repent and convert on my death bed, therefore allowing myself to do whatever I wanted to do during most of my life. But then it hit me that I already was sorry. I was walking around with the guilt of blocking You out and with a false and (very) sugar coated perception of reality. The thought of death and sorrow didn’t even sway me. I thought I was better than all that-above it. It was only recently that I realized how foolish that was. No major event happened. Nothing really changed in the world immediately around me or in my routine. It was just one fateful night when the panic hit me about the true realities of life and the inevitability of sorrow, pain, and ultimately one’s own death.
I’m not sure if I’m doing this right or if this is even the right place to say it- but I’m asking for Your forgiveness and I’m asking that You hold my hand during the remainder of the years of my life and fill my heart with your love. I want us to be as great of friends as we were when I was a child. When I would say prayers at night and imagine how heaven looked. When I would visit the local monastery and ring their bells and light prayer intention candles with my parents. I want to make this world a better place and ease the pain and suffering around me. I was reading some of the intentions on this website and started to cry uncontrollably. I haven’t stopped crying as I’ve been writing this. While I understand your job is not to make this world perfect- I ask on behalf of all hopeless and pain-ridden souls both before our times, in the present day, and in the future, that you fill them with peace and strength to battle through their difficulties, no matter how overbearing or how minuscule they are. Help me to help others, to be able to spread your love through kind words and actions. Jesus, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that if I was alive 2000 years ago and I saw what you did and was near you, I would have immediately joined you as a follower. Help me to do that now even when you are no longer present in that human and sensory way.
Most of all, I am sorry for only coming to you once I felt pain. I am sorry for being so ignorant and full of myself as to place myself above you. Tonight I am going to wear my favorite piece of jewelry- the opal cross my parents gave me for my birthday a few years ago. I accidentally dropped the first one they gave me and it shattered on the ground, but in my parent’s infinite understanding and love they bought me a new one that I ended up storing in a safe place: first due to the fear of breaking it again and then later in life due to my lack of faith. Please understand and forgive me and give me a second chance to be friends with you even if I falter at times. I wish I was stronger and I wish I had no doubts. However, I am imperfect and can muster only so much courage. I ask You for Your friendship, understanding, forgiveness, and, above all, Love.