I ask that whoever reads this prays for my healing in body and spirit. I am blessed to have family & friends that love me, a job, apartment, car, food, & the opportunity to finish my degree. All around my life is good.
For several years I’ve had unexplained swelling in my left leg, ankle, and foot. I’ve never had any pain until recent months. I’ve finally been prompted into action b/c of the pain but I am scared. I believe God can heal me; but I struggle with releasing this worry to his will. All I want is to be able to wear dresses, skirts, & heels like before w/o feeling like a circus freak. I know this pales in comparison to what others are dealing with but I can’t be who I want and do what I want b/c my health is holding me back. My spirit is in need of healing as well. I’ve picked the wrong men in past relationships. I’ve decided to stop dating for now and to focus on my work & school but I am having trouble saying and meaning “NO” to one man who is already married. I know it is wrong but eventually my series of “No”s will turn into a “yes”. Fortunately the last couple of times we were supposed to see each other I never met him, either b/c I was tired or found something else to do.
I feel guilty about what has taken place in the past and I desperately don’t want to repeat past mistakes. I have no deep emotions towards him but I somehow feel compelled to see him just b/c he’s fun to be around. I’ve asked God to forgive me; I’m just not sure I can forgive myself.