Lord I always prayed to conceive. I always prayed to be a mother. I prayed and humbly hoped to be able to have a naturally conceived child on my own with said partner healthily and free of complications. I was irrationally fearful of not being able to produce or carry one baby.
This spring, you answered my prayers twice over. You gave me a gift that I did not even have to blink twice for but that I felt evermore grateful that you chose me to receive.
We grew through struggles with family issues, joblessness, my sick parents, countless days when I had no strength, my babies and I grew together and I couldn’t have asked for anything more from a pregnancy except continued health for us all.
When the time came that I could no longer carry my pregnancy, I asked, “Why me, why us, why now? I tried and I tried and I tried to find a way.” All throughout the months I feared this failure. I carried for as long as I could. I wanted nothing more from our journey together than to be the mother to my blessed babies that I always hoped to be.
I wanted to protect them, cuddle them, hold them, kiss them, nurture them, watch them sleep, watch them grow, watch them bond together, and enjoy the sacred gift that God granted me. I am still in awe of the blessing I received. God chose me.
I feel I have failed and to say that I miss my twins whose beautiful faces I never even saw and whose eyes I never looked into is an understatement.
Is it selfish to wish for their returned souls? For my womb to once again be granted with the gift an awesome miracle of two? How I loved the miracle unfolding inside of me. I was so conflicted and pained throughout. My health was teetering. How I love them unconditionally although we never even met.
This pain I feel hourly, daily, endlessly is relentless. I don’t know why it had to be this way. How else could it have been?
How badly I wish for the proper chance the next time around to conceive twins again.
To be able to create, nurture and carry two souls. To finish where I started. To pick up where I left off. For it to be the return of my beautiful babies. Nothing in life would bring me more joy within. If not…I still promise to be the best mother I can for two souls who would be willing to come through to me. I will be willing and ready.
This is a gift I have always wanted that I could not endure.
Please hear my prayer as I never once took my blessing for granted.
I had been sick, exhausted, fearful, weary due to my environment and personal issues. My babies stayed as strong as they could.
I feel I have failed and did not deliver for my sweet babies.
Please Lord give me another chance down the line. The next time around, a better time around.
Everyday I pray to my babies. Please hear me my angels.
Mommy loves you both…endlessly.