No change

by E ()

Hello prayer warriors. I’ve sent in prayer requests in the past. I have always been a praying person, mostly for others. For the last few years I’ve been praying mostly (not only) for myself and my son. I’ve been in an emotionally and psychologically abusive and controlling marriage and there has been no “ebb and flow,” where eventually there’s a time of healing or peace. Things have only become progressively worse over time, and my son, who is now 17, has suffered the most bc of the tension and dysfunction he’s grown up around. Fortunately, my husband does not subject my son to the abuse nearly to the degree he has subjected me to, but even with the son he loves, he is still a person who never takes responsibility for his actions and has often made my son feel hurt and gaslighted. I didn’t “wake up” to the reality of the situation until a couple of years ago and wasn’t emotionally prepared or strong enough to end the marriage. I have truly made every effort I possibly could over the years to save the marriage, but at almost 60 years old, I’m broken. I need to end this marriage but my son has emotional issues and is incapable of accepting a divorce, despite knowing how screwed up this is. It’s all he has and all he’s ever known. He’s also an only child with adhd, ocd, depression and anxiety. He is in his senior year of high school, hoping to go to college. That’s a miracle. But he says it’s the only good thing in his life and if we divorce he won’t be able to handle it and my husband won’t help discuss anything to help him through this or anything else. I have been convinced by my husband and by my son that if I push a divorce now, it will ruin my son’s life. Teenagers say these things, but from experience I fear it could be true, so I am virtually stuck. In the meantime, therapy and meds can only carry you so far and Covid hasn’t helped my situation. I am in desperate need of prayer–prayer for strength, peace, healing, acceptance, emotional maturity and rational thought, protection, guidance, patience, and an end to this toxic marriage so that I can heal, rebuild my life, and continue to be a good mother to my son. He is so fragile, and these days so am I. For the first time in my life I feel I’m losing hope because nothing gets better, ever, even for a little while so I can catch my breath and heal. I feel anxious and depressed all the time and have to tried to tamp it down for my son’s sake. Emotional abuse can sometimes be much worse than physical abuse. It damages you to your very core over time. I am not the person I once was, someone who was strong, happy, and always willing and able to help anyone, never feeling like I couldn’t or didn’t want to live life that way, but now I feel so messed up that I worry constantly about my son’s future as well as my own. I have also developed some serious physical health issues (shocker) that cause so much physical pain that I don’t even know how I can hold down a job–that is if I can get a job. With all that goes on in my home and with my son, I don’t know if I can even commit to a job bc there’s no help at all with anything at home; not much for my son, my aging dog who has health issues and requires attention and meds throughout the day, food shopping, laundry, cleaning (which has become nearly impossible bc of physical pain)…and the pain I endure from a controlling, thoughtless, inconsiderate, narcissistic husband. When I read this it sounds like I’m whining and complaining but I’m not. I’m in so much physical and emotional pain that I can’t stand it and I can’t seem to change my thoughts no matter how I try, through prayer, meditation, mindfulness practices, etc. Please pray for me and my son. I even pray for my bully of a husband bc I believe everyone needs prayer. He’s got his own issues, and I’ve always tried to be supportive, but he’s dismissive, very secretive and also can’t be seen as broken, wrong or incompetent. I can’t give any more while being abused, dismissed, invalidated and unloved in return. Please, please send some healing prayers so that I don’t lose hope and so that I don’t lose my belief that God loves me and my child and will make a way forward for us so that we can heal and have happy, healthy, productive lives. Thank you and may God bless you all richly.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

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