Needing hope, assurance, and healing

by Rachel ()

Well, I am not exactly sure how to begin. I have such an amount to pray about, and I know I can’t tell everything. And I feel self-conscious and slightly nervous, as I have a hard time having the social courage to ask people to pray for me who don’t know me. But I have a slight feeling to take the risk and ask anyway. So here I go. My mom and I both need healing, whether it be Divine healing or from doctors. My mom gets the worst headaches and has an indent in the back of her head that puffs out during these extreme headaches. We believe it is her brain swelling and protruding through the indent (which probably is a hole in her skull), since it feels squishy and pulsates with her heart rate. She has a variety of other symptoms as well, and we suspect they all relate to the same thing. Although, we are not sure. She also been having heart problems. She is currently taking blood pressure medication, but she still gets palpitations and chest tightness often. She also is just exhausted all the time that she can’t go to work on some days. It makes her in constant fear of losing her job. And she has to work, as my dad is only working part time, which can’t make ends meet financially. She went to her primary doctor who treats her other medical conditions, but he said to see a neurologist. So I am trying to convince her to talk to my neurosurgeon, since she respects him. It would mean so much to me if you could just be praying that she will talk to him, and that he will listen and give her the proper tests? And that God would be protecting her as she experiences these scary symptoms? I worry about her all the time and am afraid her symptoms are life threatening.
I mentioned my neurosurgeon, which ties into the medical issues I am facing, too. Around 20 years ago, I started experiencing sudden symptoms, starting with headaches, and a few other symptoms that were all different from each other. I started going from doctor to doctor over the last 18 years, and with all of them saying that nothing was wrong and some even laughing at me. Meanwhile, more symptoms were emerging and worsening over these years. Eventually, I reached the point of being debilitated and missing out on life. Finally, last year, an MRI was done to test me because of another symptom. From that MRI, a diagnosis of a seemingly unrelated condition was made. When I looked it up, I saw all my symptoms mentioned in the symptoms list. I thought this was an answered prayer and began researching out doctors who could perform the needed surgery for my condition. I found one and visited with him and got my surgery 7 weeks ago. A few of my symptoms did clear up, though most were still present. I was told to just be patient and that it would take time. However, over these last few weeks, the symptoms have been getting worse, and the ones that cleared up have now returned. I am now just as debilitated as I was before the surgery. My doctor does believe I may have compounding issues that he is now testing for. I hope the tests show something, as if they don’t, he won’t help me anymore. I have been praying earnestly and seeking God in the midst of all of this, but I feel totally hopeless. I have been a believer for 20 years and have been growing in my relationship with Jesus. But I have constant faith issues, confusion, and doubts about God’s character. Because of my past, it is harder for me to trust. One day, I seem to be assured of God’s love, but then, the next day, I will read something (even in Scripture), or something will happen that makes me think that God doesn’t love me after all, or at best, that He tolerates me but views me as an irritant. To me, it looks like I am what the Bible describes as a double-minded person, since I don’t know what to believe and have a lot of inner angst and conflict . It makes me feel even more hopeless. I long for Him, but am very afraid of Him at the same time. I often think suicidal thoughts, since I can’t seem to win, no matter what I think or do. I try going to Scripture, but often end up with even more questions than what I started with. When I try to search through commentaries and advice and devotions, all of them conflict in some way. I want to know how God really is and know beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I need His comfort and reassurance that other Christians speak about, especially with everything my mom and I are experiencing. We need hope. Will you pray for us?
I apologize for this being so lengthy. I meant it to be more brief, but everything just came out. Thank you for taking the time to read this and praying, too. I appreciate it a lot. God bless you.

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