I am so lonely dear Lord. My heart aches for the love and respect I am missing. My love is not returned. The integrity of not wanting to let someone else down–I long for this to be returned. I fear so many things, dear Lord, you know my heart and mind. My negativity poisons hope. But I protect myself this way. Dear Lord, I fear the joy and pleasure of new love will quickly turn to nothing feelings. I long for affection and touch with desire. I fear having to settle for something I do not want, or for aloneness. The latter is where I am at the moment. I loved Roger, in the beginning–my true love of my life, and David, and Jeff. I loved Mike without passion, we could have but missed it somehow. We understood each other this way, I think. I loved Steve, I thought, romantically, but he was my Kharma for Roger and Mike. He loved me asexually. But have I not paid for my selfishness?
I long for a man, could be Joseph, but dear Lord, you know best.
Thank you for never sending me a married man to tempt me–at least I have never, knowingly, betrayed another woman. But I am not so perfect, and nothing is beneath me, as I have nearly found myself almost easily distracted from my morals. Keep me strong, dear Lord.
But, is it too selfish of me to want intimacy and a bond as I felt with Jeff, only with someone with the integrity to be respectful of himself and me?