Mixed bag of blessings/uncertainityity

by Lori ()

Since 2017 two of my of my spiritual go to family members have died; my precouis dad in 2017 & my previous Aunt in 2019. Then my spirit sister & also a very strong Christian Lady also lost her battle with cancer this June. I modify fast & prayef & cried & begged Hid for their physical healing, but I know Heaven is the ultimate healing so I tried not to ask why too much through my years. Then last week one of my favorite cousins died st 63 & I am not sure where she went we texted alot but I hadn’t seen her in person in over a year. So I am worried about her & her surviving family members. Due to fight between her brother & her & her parents 7 yrs ago her & her brother weren’t speaking & they lived 2 houses away from each other. He didnt come to her funeral neither did other family members. Her sister, a year older than me died in 2013, her dad in 2015 & her mom in 2019 so I am struggling with the hurt in my heart. I think I am depressed since 2015 when I got my 2and divorce (I filed, even though I didnt really want to) but I have beautiful grandkids & a job I live & I am close to my children & son-in-law. Anyway, my son got a divorce last yr & I have 2 precious grandsons from him 4 & 3 (they live 4 hours from me). My oldest precious grandson, daughter & her hubby live 10 miles from me. My son has joint custody but not true 50/50. He wants to file for it but because of the agreement he can’t until 2 years from divorce date. He lives 5 blocks away from his ex-wife. He talks about me moving in with or closer to him, however I couldn’t bring my cats who are now 12 & I have had them since they were baby kittens & my son makes great money & I do not. I have been poor my whole adult life (bad choices marriage partners), however I work for a non-profit that deals with clients at or below 150% of the poverty level and I love my job. We recently got a raise because we were worked through the COVID-19 pandemic. Do to move by my son I would have to sell my house (which I have been thinking about for awhile now & moving closer to my daughter) but I feel my son & youngest grandsons need me more, now. I would have to give up my job and try to ffg ind a home I could buy & move into so I can keep my cats. They have saved me more times than I can count. So I essentially would do what I ffg o now only in reverse. I would visit my daughter, oldest grandson & son-in-law on long weekends & stay with them & then go back to my own home closer to my son. My youngest grandsons are starting soccer & kindergarten & pre-school so i could go to their games & concerts like i did for my oldest grandson who is now 12. He has done on-line accredited Christian School since 4th grade he will be going into sixth even before the pandemic hit. I keep praying & telling God bbn if He wants it to be he will open the doors. But I don’t want any drama in my family, like was in my cousin’s nor any hardness between my son & daughter. I also don’t want to be a physical or financial burden to my children anymore than I already am. So I need very clear direction and financial blessings to know what to do. I spent every Friday watching my oldest grandson until he was eight and my daughter’s work schedule changed
She and my son have both worked remotely for eight to ten years now. So even one of my “gifts” is discernment I do not have a clear direction of ef which way is right and best for me and my family in accordance with God’s will. I live in my Great-Aunt’s home on land her & mybpaternal Grandparents owned where I came every weekend all through school and college when I could & my kids & I came back every other month when we lived 4 hours away for 9 years
We came home in 2001. My Granma died in 2005 & her sister my Great Aunt in 2013 both in their mid nineties. My maternal Grandmother just turned 100 in March & her I were close until she gave me money last August (put in my purse) and I didnt see it til I got home & called her she said she wanted me to have it to fix my teeth, get a CD & put some in a retirement account. I refused every time she offered & she even called my daughter to convince me to take it. When I found it I thanked her and God and since I was getting ready to go on trip for work I put in the bank, instead of leaving it in my home. I also gave $100 to my friend who died this June, because I wanted her and her husband to enjoy theirselves with a nice dinner and movie or use it for a day trip as she had just refinanced their house to put a new roof on then she was diagnosed with cancer. She worked as much as she could during treatment and I so wanted to pay off her house so she didnt have to worry about working & could fight & rest. She did her best, but lost. I would still like to pay off the house for her family if I could. So my Grandmother called me last September and wanted her money back, she accused me of taking it (stealing it apparently) and said I knew she didnt want me to have that much and I took advantage of her when she was sick. I would stop by her house weekly but I havent seen her since Christmas i called and talked to her on her birthday (in March) and we sent her flowers. I paid her back half as the other was in a CD that doesn’t mature for awhile and I cant get it out without a huge penalty. Mu friend as ldo gave back the $100 becsuse she didnt feel right keeping it. That made me mad at my Grandmother, not giving back the money, but that she accused me of bring a theif after all I have done for her because I love her. I still do & she was invited by me to CV come to my house Christmss night which she did & I hugged and kissed her and gave a picture of her cousin & her that was taken in August, he was 102 & she 99 at the
time. I am glad I took we are not having the reunion this yearbecayse of COVID-19. So I can not go to my grandmother’s house by myself anymore nor can she come here alone as I cant trust her and fo mot want to be accused of more things I didnt do. I miss her and talking to her but she also told my mom & aunt so mow our relationship is strained than before & it was never close but it git better in recent years. My mom and I were o fly teo there when my dad took his last breath, do God answered my prayer there. I asked God when he took his last breath that one of children would also be there so he knew someone in the room loved him unconditionally. I didnt care which one of us three it was just so it was one of us. It happened to be me, my siblings where glad it was me and said they couldnt of fine what did but they could have. It was my dad. I had to be there. Granted I was a nurses aide and a retired EMT but didn’t matter, but they thought it was best. So I know God has given experiences so I can help others but i am confused as we’d hat to do. I (and I know the rest of the world too) would like to pay off all my debts (I dont want to file bankruptcy) and I if I was blessed financially I would also
continue to do what I do now for living only in a different way. I would set up my own foundation & seve bbn people who are still poor but above the 150% level of poverty. The ones who make too much for most social service progr aacc ms but not enough if a small catastrophe happens (car repairs, replace appliances etc..). I had this dream since 2007. Yet I know I can do none of it without God. And it would His foundation not really mine. I am well aware of this. I can’t do anything without Him, even breathing is a gift from Him. It is nothing we really can control. So you see it really is mixed blessings and i am confused which steps to take and afraid of making the wrong choice not in God’s will. I am truly grateful for my own home, car, food, clothes, pets, family & health and yes being able to just get by. But I really need to know which way to go. Thank you for praying for me.

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