Lost & hurting

by J ()

Boyfriend passed April 2019. I’m struggling as well.I need for him to be in peace as he was struggling with the death of his mother last Jan 2018. He was sliding into an unhealthy lifestyle from substances & legal problems. Myself I feel guilty and wished I didn’t ask him to move out but it was getting to much for me. I didn’t deserve him cheating prior last year after my foot surgery and all he says is “I’m Sorry with his head down as he was intoxicated. I ask why you should of left first, all he says is “shit happens” I didn’t deserve humiliation and pain. I stood by in court. He was scared he was going to jail and house arrest! I still stood by his side because I knew he was so lost and substances were controlling his health. But at the end of the day he made choices and he just didn’t care. He was found in a hotel from a heart attack. He just had his birthday April 9 turned age 48. I am so confused, in pain struggling each day to find peace. I have no family nor friends. I choose to end all my friendships as I deal with mild depression and ADHD. I feel hurt,angry,pain and so empty . All I see is his face and I keep going over everything in my head over & over. Blaming myself what if I didn’t confront him re cheating on me what if this and that. I feel a bit responsible because I told him your mom passed away and you made a choice to get into trouble with the law and substances. So you never got the chance to say goodbye because she’s far away. I blame myself everyday for saying this to him. He knows I would always be there but he took me for granted and his dangerous lifestyle was always first.

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