Lord, What Do I Do, Now?

by Kim ()

Lord, I’ve confessed my sin of marrying this man You told me not to. I married for wrong reasons. Now, my shame, guilt, and regret is constantly in my sight in the form of this man. He says he’s saved but it goes no further. The constant lies, the illegal activity to pay for bills, the marijuana, not being able to read, comprehend, or remember conversations, not trying to learn anything new about anything, stagnant, dead, no sweet words, no touching, and intimacy on any level. This marriage is no marriage at all. You knew all along it would be like this. It’s all my fault for disobeying You and telling You what I was going to do because I was burning with lust. This will never get better unless You do something miraculous, Lord. I’ve tried for years. Only You can fix this. In the meantime, I need to bring in money. Him selling oxycodones is finally drying up, but he is panicking. He has never trusted You financially. So, he looks to me, now. But I haven’t been able to get employment with my Sleep APNEA keeping me sleepy and tired and forgetful constantly. I haven’t worked in so long. My skills are gone. I’ve applied to jobs. Nothing. I’ve made 2 work from home businesses, but only 1 journal sold. Why won’t You bless my Christian T-shirt sales? This is a way to witness for You, providing a service to Christians, and I love putting beautiful designs on shirts. I thought for sure I’d finally done the right thing. But I have no more money to advertise. He doesn’t really want me using his money for anything. he wants me to put money in the account; not use it. I’ve done all I know to do, Lord. The businesses are there and ready for expansion but it takes money. I’ve done all I can do without it. I need proper advertisement – hooked up to search engines so people can find my shirts. Lord, I need money to give to David because money and food is all he understands. I’m living in his house in the 2nd bedroom. I need to pay my own way. This is the real reason he married me. He thought I had good money making potential. Lord, if you won’t heal Tuxedo, please give me the vet money to get a prescription for an antibiotic. He’s suffering, Lord. His breathing is so bad. David won’t pay for it. ASPCA free appointments are always full. Lord, heal all of my diseases. I feel horrid. High blood pressure out of control due to too much weight gain. I promised I’d never get this big again and here I am. He eats wrong and I can’t shop for 2 different diets. I was doing so well before I met him, Lord. Now, joint pain, back pain, chest pain, diabetes, palpitations, hair loss, teeth loss… And the worst thing is finding out at 54 that as a child I got HPV warts somehow. I’ve had this since about 13-14. No one had touched me except that 11 yr old nasty little boy who kissed me in the mouth when I was 12 and said he’d had sex with 11 people! All these years I thought it was a mole like all my other moles! Now, they’re multiplying after decades. Had I known, Had some doctor told me what it was after 2 babies and 2 miscarriages and anal fissure surgery, you’d think some dr. want say, oh, by the way, you have a wart growing back here. Now, I have at least 2 more in the past year. I guess it’s a good thing we’re not intimate anyway because now I’m pretty much a leper. This stuff is contagious, sin to sin contact. I’m spreading it to myself! Why am I married? Lord, I’ve asked you so many times to kill this virus in me – to give me a sign this marriage will be heal by You by killing this virus first. It’s just as well. The pain during sex was excruciating. He doesn’t care that it hurts. He doesn’t care what the dr. said the best position is for me to not be in pain. He only does it 2 ways and they’re the worst for me. And I thought our times together when we finally got married would be so beautiful. I don’t know what to pray anymore, Lord. I’ve tried to have faith, to wait on You in patience, to love and teach David things about You and marriage but as he says, he’s been doing this his entire life. It’s all he knows and he’s not interested in learning anything. I don’t know what else to do, Lord. I don’t know what else to pray. My relationship with You is suffering and not right due to this hurt and unforgiveness in my heart towards him. There is no communication between David and I. He won’t listen to anything I say about the marriage. Just runs out the door. Lord, You told me to love him. I know what love is, 1 Corinthians 13. But I’ve been all these things to him in the beginning of the marriage. You know I have. But then he ran my son and I away from the house and I feared for our safety. Twice. Then I finally realized this was not going to be the Christian, Christ centered marriage I thought I’d had. You say to love him, Lord, but I know that love will never be returned to me. Not without a real miracle because I believe his mind is gone as well. He can’t remember any conversations we’ve had. It does no good to talk anyway. He won’t seek help from a dr. He has no idea how hard it is to talk to him. He can’t follow a conversation unless you’re talking about money. Always back to mammon. Anyway, Lord, I’m getting outside help with praying. Thank you for the ones reading all this and can reach out to You on my behalf. Heal me Lord, body soul and spirit. I want to be Your bride without spot or wrinkle and be raptured out of this world and be eternally with You, the true Lover of my soul. Amen.

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