Lord please help me feel whole and fully alive again..

by Kim (New York)

I have had some years of heavy hardship. I have worked all my life, went to business school, got married and then had a special needs child. My marriage came to an end in 2005 due to a variety of reasons but mainly because I had focused on getting my son the help he needed and taking my marriage for granted. Then my mom died unexpectedly two months after my husband left the home. I went in to survival mode with my special needs son. A year later I met a wonderful man and fell in love. We took a cruise together the following spring and life was good. I was so happy. That June I was diagnosed with breast cancer. For two years I had treatments and surgeries. This man was by my side the whole time. I slowly started to build up my strength again. This is when the relationship turned ugly and his true self came out. He wanted me to dress revealing and do things that I did not want to do in public. His anger turned on me and he was quite nasty to me at times. I didn’t know who he was as he wasn’t the man I fell in love but he had his own demons. The last year of the relationship was the hardest and he finally broke up with me. It devastated me. I took him back twice after two girlfriends because I was desperate. I knew he was toxic for me but I loved him so much and I didn’t want to lose another person in my life. When I realized he was going on a date instead of working things out with me, I was finally done with him. I did not want to live. My best friend since business school said she could no longer be my friend because she felt I didn’t pay enough attention to her while I was sick and in the relationship. It was a punch to my stomach. I went into survival mode again. It was awful and I hated my life. I went to counseling and was told I have an abandonment syndrome due to being adopted at birth. My grandmother who I had always been close to died about two years later and she had filled a little of the void of my mom. This was another loss. A little while later, I was invited to a women’s faith based group which helped me out tremendously. I also joined a Celebrate Recovery group that meets weekly. The women’s group is no longer but I have made tremendous personal growth. My son who I was told would never graduate from high school will be graduating from college in May without any financial help from his father. It has been a tough haul for both of us. Now that child support has stopped I am financially strapped until my son graduates and gets a job. I am still cancer free which I thank God for. I am still very lonely at times. I do social things but I still yearn for companionship. I have been sick the last two weeks and yesterday I just cried at the end of the day because of it. I just want someone to be there for me while I am sick and say it is going to be okay. I want someone to make me a priority and to plan a future with. To laugh, do things together and be together. Most of my friends are married and don’t have time for me. I am in my 40’s and dating where I live in such a rural area is awful. There are not a lot of good men available. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is horrible to me. I had a couple short term relationships (one month and three months) and one dumped me due to his personal problems and the other was in a different season of his life which I could not devote enough time to him that he needed. I am afraid to date. My loneliness comes and goes. I have a relationship with God and have expressed my fears to him. Please pray that I will find a good man. I am very independent and am scared to date due to be hurt so bad but I can’t be the only women in New York that feels this way. Thank you God…In Jesus Name…

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