My Look at My Relapse 8-7-2014
After my relapse, I now realize that I have had some areas in my recovery program that I have not paid any attention. I have learned that I need to treat my disease of addiction with the respect and care that it demands daily and also the conditions that are going to arise that will need my attention in order for me to keep it my it arrested; sometimes moment by moment when the cravings and symptoms manifest themselves as they are going to do.
Self-deceit; yes that describes me here; I deceived myself by telling myself I got this illness under control this time. I can see this is where I was deceiving myself. In looking back at my 113 days clean, I was not working my recovery completely and honestly with myself. I do now have a new found respect and a healthy fear where my disease of addiction is concerned. I admit I let up in doing the basics of recovery; I lit up in doing the same things over and over again when I came back home to Rockingham and that was a big mistake. I must do the basics every day, read NA literature, call sponsor, work the 12 steps; these must some first.
I have only a daily reprieve from active addiction. By doing the basics daily, I am changing my life that is exactly what I need to do and what I long for. Recovery offers me a chance to improve my life and myself. I must keep an opened-mind and watch out for apathy and procrastination. In hind-sight I was procrastinating in doing any work on my program of recovery; I was putting off until later in day to even starting reading NA literature at all.
I let my guard go down on my disease and it ran over my like nothing I have ever felt before, it overwhelmed me so much I had no defense against it all. I left a door open and my addiction came rushing in. I now see the reality of my addiction and how horrific, terrifying, and deadly my disease of addiction really is. I had not seen my illness in the light before now after my elapse, I have a better view and understanding at how cunning (how it came at me ever so quietly), how baffling (I did not have my tolls in place and I was so confused) and how powerful (it came in on me like nothing I had ever felt before).
When my disease came at me, it was so strong that it had me before I knew what was going on, it worked its way into my mind, my feelings, my emotions and physically that it kept me out for 3 days. In a way, I am seeing my relapse as a learning experience, for now I see my addiction for how insidious it is. At the time I was in no position to do anything about it. I cant believe how strong it came at me and how powerless I was to do anything about and that really scares me. I am now willing to do whatever it takes not to go thru that again, ok, reality check; my addiction will come at me like that again; however when it does I must call my sponsor, call other ladies in the network, and get to a meeting asap.
I must be serious about this and take the necessary action to work my program of recovery also keeping God in my life, for without Him I would surely die as a direct result of my disease of addiction. I am powerless over my addiction and only God can and will do for me what I cannot do for myself. I do honestly, completely and humbly surrender myself to God and put my trust in Him explicitly.
I am only now aware of how serious I must take action and work my program of recovery keeping God first and foremost in my life for without Him I could not do this.
When I realized the first hit had me back at exactly the same place I was before I had left Arca Recovery Centers of America, that fact scared me to death. I remember telling myself I would never be that bad again because I had not used in 113 days; how it could be as bad as it was when I left? Part of the reason for my relapse is I quit working the program as I had learned to. I am grateful that I now see the reality of my addiction, I had no idea how horrific this reality looked until now, this one of the areas I need God; it is only by the Grace of God I made it back from my road to destruction. I am one of the lucky ones; I do made it back, a lot of relapsers do not get another chance, some of them go insane, die or are arrested and are spending a lot of their lives in jails and or prisons.
I must keep my emotional and spiritual aspect of my being up-to-par so when that physical and mental/emotional cravings that have so much power over me, I will know what to do in order not to use; call someone in my network, talk with honestly about what I am going thru and get to a meeting asap, no matter what I must not use
I did not relapse by accident; it was due in part to my having to come back to home to Rockingham. And yes I did stop doing the basics when I got home. I had the delusion and ego along with it the thought I got this addiction under control How could I not see the situation for what it really was? The only emotions I can remember having then was so much despair and desperation, I was crying for relief on the inside; I thought that drugs would do the trick; this was the only way I had known for 8 years. My rational thinking went right out the window, the work I had done went into the trash can and I went straight down that bottomless pit of active addiction where my old friends were welcoming me back with open arms; desolation and destruction; now they make a mean pair.
I stopped taking care of doing and working my recovery program, I got lazy in doing everything I had learned. I was more concentrated on my resentments and anger at the womens half-way house for medically discharging me. I thought How dare they do this to me as hard as I have tried everything, didnt they know I needed to stay here for my own sake? I did not realize it at that time, I had begun to isolate from the ones I cared about and who cared about me. This disease of addiction is very insidious and it came at you in very subtle ways to get me back, it will try anything and everything against me to have me where it can give me the hugs of coldness and decay.
I have to fill that void with jewelry, rings, cloths, food and such items in general. If I could get it, I wanted it just to have it; maybe that decorative bowl or pretty gold necklace would make me feel better. The only thing I have found that can fill this void is spending time with God reading His Word praying to Him or just sitting quietly and letting God minister to me or just be in His Presence. Yes this is what I have been searching for.
Back to that day when I had started isolating myself I was already paranoid; looking out the window to see if the dealer or he cops were pulling up the drive and I had not even used yet. On the third morning something clicked and woke me up it was like OK You See What It Is Like, Now Go And Start The Work I Have For You To Do. You Are My Child Go In The Path I have Laid Before You This is what God said to me on the 3rd morning of my last drug run as I walked back up the drive after being out all night. In that moment God took all of the high away, he took my desire for drugs away and gave me a strong desire to help the still suffering addict. This happened on the morning of August 25, 2014. I have already been asked to conduct a Bible Study at a relatives house, who before would not have let me in. Yesterday, 9-27-2014, I was able to acquire a bag of Bibles and deliver them to an adulterants treatment home in a neighboring town, they did not have 1 Bible now they have 20. I am not boasting in what I have done or what I am doing, I am telling you this to show you what God can do He can use anyone for the betterment of His Kingdom. If my being an alcoholic and addict was to know the pain and suffering of others then please God let me share you with them. Let me tell you something else, God chose me I did not chose Him I was to high but there is not one day that goes by that I do not want what His Has given me His Unmerited Favor.
Thank You Jesus for What You Have Completed In Me