by Leslie ()

I was raised for twenty years in an independent fundamental separatist Baptist where specific doctrine was emphasized as well as rules and regulations. The Holy Spirit was not incorporated into daily Christian living nor was Christ, grace and love taught. Our pastor was raised in many different foster homes so had a lot of anger and little love. God had to reach him through an angry, judging God while in the navy blaspheming God.

I was four years old when my father became the attorney for the church so I sat for years being taught about Hell, fire and brimstone without the grace, compassion and mercy of God so my God is distorted and twisted. Even though I left the church a while ago my spiritual roots are very much damaged. I have been thru so much self-condemnation and hate because I don’t measure up and have sinned again and do not give myself a break that we as humans are cursed and do sin and will sin until reaching eternity.

I do not know the true living God where He is also a God of love and grace nor fully understand the significance of Christ’s sacrifice and blood nor the true power of the Holy Spirit.

I also have been so stuffed with verses, sermons, chapel etc…that the Bible is not appealing nor tasteful rather it is very dry, boring and without transforming power. I have literally banged my spiritually mind daily trying to reach this God with my limited perspective and it has been spiritually EXHAUSTING. I really don’t know HOW to practice grace and love due to the spiritual harm done.

I know Paul was extremely concerned about the Galatia (Galation) church becoming legalistic and warning them that they have been bewitched. I can truly say that I have been bewitched with legalistic “religion” rather than a living relationship & friendship.

I have asked God over and over again to reveal Himself to me but not having an appetite nor taste for the word of God doesn’t help and everything seems forced. I would not take the time to write all of this if it wAs not pressing on my heart but everyday I think about my bondage as I continue to struggle with my daily devotions. I do now go to a nondenominational Bible Church but it is a little too “soft” in its preaching.

Sincerely and in need of prayer,
Leslie Williams

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