I’m a mess

by Woobie ()

Well where do I start
had son out of wedlock, father denied me In court, I gave up pursuing it. My parents adopted him. Then
I was married after only three months of meeting him. .I Had three affairs, early in the marriage and later. I
Had two children to former marriage, divorced bc he beat me and drank. He died a few years ago before that… my husband now, adopted both, then we had a son together, when my daughter was ten, my husband sexually abused her, I stayed for the sake of the kids, but she had to leave, lived with my sister, did heroin, got pregnant, fought heroin for 11 years, died of overdose, he said she forgave him? Now we have grand kids, a grand daughter, he was grooming her to do something, I intervened and stopped it, now he’s miserable and angry all the time, well he always has been, goes to church for a while then quits again, yells screams at the grandkids just to punish me, I can’t leave bc of finances tied in with my older son. We are not acting as husband and wife my choice. I can’t stand to be around him . So I don’t talk, little as possible, he is a narcissist and thinks he dies no wrong and wants control of everything. I opened a separate bank account so I put my cleaning money in there. I’m retired with social security and pension but I give money to grand kids and buy things for them and me and I don’t have to hear him complain. He needs to stop hating himself and repent. He won’t. So it’s a mess. Bi don’t love him anymore but I won’t get a divorce..even if I moved out. Pray he repents or God provides me a way out, I’m starting to be angry with the kids bc of his fussing. I have no fingernails left from chewing them them I’m eating my anxiety andgand weight.
I tried after his abuse with my daughter but had she lived, it might be easier but I don’t want a sex relationship with him, even that was shallow and controlling. Sorry to babble. Thank you.

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