Please pray God would heal and deliver me from 20 years of depression. I don’t think I can do even 5 more and I don’t want to. I regret waiting on God. I regret seeking Him out. I regret being kind to people. I regret getting sober. I regret almost every decision I’ve made. I don’t want to relapse but I can’t connect. God isn’t helping me with this. I read my Bible (or, I did before it made me upset because His promises never come to pass in my life), I had faith, I said the scriptures out loud. I don’t feel any different. I feel worse. I’m sick of trying to motivate myself to seek Him out and pretend to be happy during the day. I’m sick of trying to better my life with no results except getting fatter. I’m seriously considering going back to using my drug of choice because then I felt good at least some part of the time instead of crying all the time and not feeling anything is worth doing. I’m seriously considering getting the shot. I didn’t before because I thought God didn’t want me to and that would be disrespectful to Him and it might possibly send me to hell. Why did God make me if He only intended to hurt me?
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