I am Lost.

by Xesibe ()

For as long as I can remember I’ve been searching for love, begging for love. Love in a form of protection, love in a form of security, love in a form of affirmation and acknowledgment.
The pain of betrayal and abandonment has caught up with me. The pain of gruesome abuse I suffered under my Fathers hands as a child has left me exposed and without kindness, I am empty and filled with revengeful anger that desires to destroy everything and everyone around me. I informed my Father 4-5 Years ago of the trauma that he has caused me and when I did, he refused to take responsibility for his actions and I , ever since likened him to God – cruel and self-righteous.
There is so much to unpack when it comes to the broken relationships I don’t have with all my Family members and they’ve grown even more distant since I can no longer provide for them.
I drink, I started smoking weed to cope with voices in my head and the discomfort of being in my own body, for I have begged to die since I was a child. A hungry child, a constantly beaten child, unloved and unprotected.
I would like to heal. I would like to heal from my Fathers doings and I would like to be free of his responsibilities. I am not my siblings’ parent, I am their brother – I too do not have a home, I too lack. I too have been abandoned, so if I am to be homeless I beg to be filled with Faith and Hope, a ton of hope for the Future for my Family and I, how that beautiful and good future will come – I leave in the hands of God, where it ought to be.

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