Hopeless & Lost

by Kathy ()

I could have picked several categories for the post category. My husband took his life the morning of 5/1/20, after I found out the night before that he was looking at porn. After his death, I discovered he was addicted to porn. Also, I found out that we owed the IRS $40,000+ in back taxes. I’ve been in the process of filling out an Innocent Spouse claim over several months. It has required me working on it every weekend for several months. My husband was my soulmate & my best friend. Everyone who knew us thought we were the perfect couple. I did as well. There was some disconnect between us that I noticed the last 2 years of his life when he couldn’t find a job in the oil & gas industry. Also, he had been dealing with health problems. We had both been petroleum Landmen & worked together for about 15 years. The industry slowed down in 2018. I never knew his secrets. I’m still in shock about everything! I am praying for a miracle concerning the IRS! I didn’t have a job when he died. The Lord blessed me with a nanny position not long after he passed.
I also need prayer for my mental health. I’m a Christian & have a close relationship with Jesus. The first year after Steve died I experienced some miracles. I felt Jesus’ presence in my life. I felt so protected, almost as if I were in a bubble. Then in February of 2021, I got a bad case of COVID. That brought on carpal tunnel & debilitating knee pain. I had to have carpal tunnel surgery because I couldn’t take the excruciating pain. I have a high tolerance for pain. Then my oldest son tried to kill himself after he & his girlfriend broke up. They have an 11 month old son together. He had to move in with me, which brought more problems. He’s narcissistic & bipolar like my ex husband, his father. The same son’s ex wife won’t allow him or me to see my grandchildren. It’s just been one horrible thing after another it seems. My faith has been strong in the past. It isn’t right now. I feel so alone in this world, & I have no one who can relate to me. I stopped going to church after a while because I was too sad. I watch online. I did go to a Christian therapist for a few months right after my husband died. I feel that I need a group of widow friends in my life. I will be attending a GriefShare starting later this month. I’m hoping that I can establish some friendships with some ladies there that will continue after GriefShare ends. I wish that there was a church in my area that had Sunday school classes for widows. I’m thinking of visiting other churches one day because even though I really like my preacher’s sermons, I feel like a stranger in the church. There’s no way to meet others there. I read Bible verses, but they aren’t helping. I feel that I’m barely hanging on by a thread with my faith. I don’t know if I’m mad at God or deeply disappointed in him. I’m actually disappointed in my family & how they have treated me in all of this! I honestly hate my life, & pray to die in my sleep. There’s nothing to look forward to, especially with the IRS situation looming over my head. Thank you for your prayers!

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