I cant even complain to you anymore because I feel like Im repeating myself- no, I am repeating myself, and I feel like theres nothing more to say, so Im sorry if I dont talk to you that much as before. I just feel like nothing has gotten better. I thought you said everything would be okay, but its not, and Im so confused.
And I dont think its very healthy for me to be contemplating suicide on a regular basis now.
I always told myself that I would never do that, I would never give up, but I guess Im a hypocrite now.
I really dont know what to do anymore, and Im 99.99% sure that I am lost. I dont understand. Why would this happen to me, God. U told me that you wouldnt let me fall because I worked so hard for her to love me.
It worked, but why did it end up like this? I want to believe that this was triggered by something, and I believe its all of my fault. It is. Now, Im a fool. I think youre trying to tell me something, but I just cant seem to understand what youre trying to say. I guess Im just a stupid boyl. Im a silly boy. Why did I think that she cared about me? Why did I think, and why do I still think sometimes that shes the one? I dont like feeling like this anymore, and I feel so broken now, and the next thing to happen to me is very bad. I want to go to Heaven, God, but Im scared of killing myself. I dont know where my hope has gone now. I dont think theres much of it left.
I just wish you would answer my questions. Thatd be nice.
I just want to know, Why me, God, why me? Are you testing me? Because its working. I dont know how far I can go from here. My love for her is bittersweet, and it is like poison in my heart.
Why cant I be loved? Why cant I be good enough? I thought if I started caring about what I looked like, how popular I was, who knew me, who I knew, my grades, and my personality, I thought that everything would be different. Its not. I think I am more miserable than ever before, and I dont know why. I wish I was somewhere sunny, like the beach, and I wish I could forget about my life here, and just relax and contemplate about my life.
I dont know what will happen over the next three years, but maybe theres a reason why I cant let go. I wonder if its fate for her and I. Everything just seems so planned out, just like you planned it to happen God.
Ill always love her, and I still do now. It hurts to see her, and I try to look away, but it hurts so, so, so, so bad.
Please, make it stop.
Please, God, put me out of my misery.
Give me a sign that everything will be okay.
I love you.