I need prayer for a lot of things and I am not sure how long this message can be. So, I will start off by saying there are a lot of things that I have not told anyone. I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, and fear. I used to be a worship leader and dealt with some insecurities regarding somethings that were going on in our praise team especially with the Music director. I ended up stepping down from the team this Feb because I just couldn’t “fake it ” anymore. I have since felt like I am not anointed anymore. I know singing is my purpose and calling from God. I don’t feel growth at my church anymore and I have been there for over 17 years. I don’t know where to go or how to leave. I need more spiritually from a church. On top of this I have a fiance who is a newer Christian (3+ years) and we just got engaged this January. We messed up in the past and slept with each other. I have not told anyone this… not even my sisters because of how ashamed I feel about this. I knew not to do these things and I did them anyways. I WANTED to wait until I got married, I didn’t want to mess up and seem like all the other girls. I felt so much shame and began to feel feelings of hate, rejections, disappointment in myself. I felt worthless and unworthy of love ESPECIALLY God’s love. So, a couple months ago I started feeling discomfort below. He was my first and only, but in the past he did sleep with his last girlfirend. I knew something was wrong. I asked my Fiance to go get tested. He was given a clean slate except he has antibodies for Herpes meaning some point in time he was exposed to them…. His Dr. said there is no way he has them now, but was exposed before. When I heard the word herpes on the voicemail, I got instantly sick to my stomach. I felt betrayed and ultimately like a loser. I felt so tainted and that if I got it, I am ruined. I lost my appetite and went into the bathroom, got on the floor and bawled my eyes out praying and telling God I was so sorry and how could I have allowed myself to stoop so low? I felt so off. I want to forgive my fiance, I want to forgive myself, I don’t want to live like this! I have not been tested myself yet, and to be honest it’s because I am afraid. I need prayer for healing, peace, and for all the other things I have mentioned. Like I said, I have not mentioned this to anyone and I too ashamed to because of what a hypocrite I have been. I want to be free and healed. I regret so much. I wish I could change the past but I know I can’t. I know God has healed people in the past from diseases, and sicknesses. I need a miracle. I need freedom, and joy and peace. I will be getting Married in November. I find I cannot find excitement in it because of this burden. Please pray for me to be free and healed! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
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