hanging by a thread

by Flossy Ann Archibeque ()

I have had treatment resistant depression 20 years now and I’m 34. All I remember is feeling sad constantly. Nothing really helps it. I am trying to stay sober from a meth addiction I developed as a way to deal with the pain. Feeling the depression and staying sober with meth withdrawal is too much. I’ve been on every kind of medicine in the past and non of them really work. I took a risk and dropped my job and everything else to get sober and get closer to God. I really believed He would see my efforts and sincerity and heal me. But even that and praying and crying out to Him these past 20 years every night, He never answered. He never cared. He never comforted me and instead abandoned me to deal with this. I can not bear it and if I tried to lean on Him, He’d let me hurt to the point of suicide. Now I have to go back to using and I really don’t want to because I wanted Him to heal me. I can’t take this pain. I want nothing more than to end my life. I love God and I still do and when I was really young, all I wanted to do was to make Him happy but I’m not going to live much longer and I’m crushed He rejected me and won’t even answer me. Like I’m not good enough for Him. 20 years of silence and agony isn’t enough. My love isn’t enough. Quitting my job isn’t enough. Changing my life isn’t enough. Seeking Him out every day isn’t enough. Resisting the urge to kill myself every second of every day isn’t enough. I have no social support. I don’t trust anyone I have been hurt so many times. THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME I AM CRYING OUT FOR HELP AND HE DOESN’T CARE. He never cared. He abandoned me. I hate myself for believing He would help me and give a damn about my pain.

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