I have cried out day and night the past 20 years to be free of this depression that responds to nothing. I am 34 now and I know for sure I can’t live like this too much longer. I am trying to get out of a meth addiction alone because I’ve been hurt by so many people so many times I don’t believe anyone anymore. I know I should just accept God doesn’t want to heal me and He wants to see me suffer and I did when I was using meth. I thought if I gave effort, He would respect my sincerity and help me. But He didn’t help. He abandoned me to this unbearable agony and hopelessness with no social support. I can’t do this anymore. I want to kill myself. God doesn’t even care I have been crying out to Him to kill me and He doesn’t and I need Him to before I do. I’m trying to be good and respect Him but its too much its always been too much. I try to lean on Him and He’s not there. He’s never their. I want this to end. Nothing is good enough. Why did He even make me? I wish He never made me. I wish it more than anything in the world. I wish I was never even a thought. I wish I never came to be. I wish I didn’t exist ever. I wish I never was created I wish He never ever thought of making me and never could. I wish there was a way to make sure I was never even an idea. Everything hurts. God hurts me constantly. He rejects me and abandons me and lets me cry and leaves me to bleed out and die.
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