Forgiveness and redemption

by Ashley ()

Lord, Father, I first want to thank you for always being here with me, and providing me with outlets like these, where my voice and thoughts can reach all of your warriors you have called upon to be earthly angels to lift up your children to you in times when they need you most. Lord, you have provided a way, through technology, for us to meet in the masses, and praise you Father God, and pray to you, even though we may be miles apart. Thank you God. To my brothers and sisters in faith, I am desperate. My life has become unmanageable and I am on my knees praying for forgiveness, and the redemption that comes with it. I am an addict and was clean for 4 years. Then I did as Lots wife did when leaving Sodom, mentioned Genesis 19. I looked back. I was doing SO AMAZINGLY in my recovery. Our Father blessed me SO BEAUTIFULY! Why did I throw it all away. I am deeply hurt and confused to why, even though I made some bad choices like dating a married man. What a fool, I broke my own heart with that one! I am so disappointed in myself but God has shown me the wrong in my decision. Holy vows are exactly that. I feel as if I let the devil work through me and I am saddened and need my Father to forgive me and to help me to forgive myself. I caused hurt to people and it had a ripple effect. And although it turned out that the couple is now, separated and with new people, each with whom they believe they SHOULD be with(not me by the way) They are living happily..I ended up being lonely and hurt, which was the perfect opportunity for my addiction to slither back into my life. I have shame and guilt. Which furthered my using, and my self sabotage. I accomplished great things through God and my recovery. It was when I took my eyes off of the Lord and into the mirror, and my selfish, fleshly desires that led me here. Father God has still provided for me financially, because he’s a good good Father. My relationship with my three children (13boy, 12boy ,10girl) has dwindled and become not good. My poor babies (are very well taken care of, but) are suffering emotionally and mentally from our damaged relationship, I am not always “present” (while being physically present) for them in ways a mother should be, because I am self medicating and emotionally unavailable. I was a good mommy, and I am a good mommy, I LOVE MY BABIES! Addiction always tries and pushes its way to front of the line. I WILL be the mother God has delighted in before! I will be! I pray for forgiveness and that Jesus softens their hearts, and provides me with patience and the tools needed to rebuild the foundation for my family. This time planting the proper seeds, in the RIGHT soil, next to a house made from bricks, on a FIRM Foundation, built through the teachings of Jesus, and the knowledge and wisdom provided through the wonderful pages of THE instruction manual, THE BIBLE. I pray for help medicating my disease with good things like scripture, and church, and volunteer work, and meetings, NOT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL! My disease is baffling and cunning, much like the serpent! I pray that I see my downfalls so that I may not fall there again. I pray for strength and courage in rebuilding the bridges I have burned, and relationships I have ruined. I pray that although it will be hard, I will not be dismayed and God gives me strength and perseverance not to run and hide when dealing with the negative feelings of shame and guilt when fixing all of these things. To accept that not everyone will forgive me or want to talk to me again, but trust in God, that His timing is right, and if i live by His will, and not my own I will be okay, and everything will be working for my good. I pray to be reminded that any struggles put before me are struggles I CAN DEAL WITH, that won’t kill me, they will make me stronger because a loving Father wants me to be strong, and is preparing me for Greatness. I pray for mercy, and good health, and Angel’s watching over my family and I. A hedge of protection around my family and I. It is time! It is time! Lord, the door is there, I am ready to open it! To walk through it! I want you to search my heart Father, and Jesus please come into it. Jesus please enter my heart, you are my Savior, and I LOVE YOU!!!! I NEED YOU!!!! I MISS YOU!!!! PLEASE REDEEM ME! I want to be back in line and knowing that I DO HAVE A SEAT WITH YOU, IN YOUR KINGDOM! FOR FOREVER AND EVER! I pray all of this and I hope you will pray it for me too! I pray always in the precious name of JESUS, Amen! Thankyou Lord, thankyou Jesus! For unconditionally Loving me and never leaving me! I am never alone! Thankyou! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

(Sorry for rambling, and using CAPS, I appreciate and Thank all of you prayer warriors! I am full of emotions and may have jumped around a bit, but this is from the heart, I long for my relationship with Jesus and Our Father to be rekindled and fruitfull again. Thank You! )

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