Forgive me and heal me and show me how to love my son

by Debbie ()

Father, I never once ever meant to hurt my son Michael. He has always been a challenge. He was and still is very willful and never liked or listened to any authority over him, even as a young child. As he grew into a young teenager, he became angry and hostile. He was into cutting, drugs and alcohol. The worse he got, the more scared I became and I tried so hard to control the situation as he just kept spiraling further into self destruction. We tried every thing to help him but he resented and hated us for all of it. I was so desperate to get him to get on a better road but it seemed the more I tried, the worse he got. He wouldn’t talk to me or his dad about anything. We brought him to counselors and he saw a psychiatrist but he still left us all scratching our heads as to why he was doing the things he was and how to turn it around. When all of us exhausted everything we knew how to do, we stumbled upon a man who spoke at our church. He was a former drug addict/alcoholic who was in recovery. He told us his story in church and was in the business of helping families through their child’s addiction. We brought Mike to meet him and he hated him. We started attending 12 step programs to learn how dysfunctional we became and slowly we became to be able to not be totally consumed with trying to fix Mike. We knew the fixing had to be done by You Father and Mike. That was 25 years ago and I’m afraid he still is struggling and still blaming us for all of it and now he is 40. Whatever we did back then was totally because we loved him and were so scared that we would lose him to drugs. We were advised to send him to rehab out of state. They felt he needed to get away from the people, places and things that were his triggers. We did this out of desperation to help him because we tried everything else and there was nothing else left to try. Before this he was professionally evaluated at Tully Hill and received a diagnosis of being dually addicted to drugs and alcohol. He was enrolled into their outpatient program which really was ill equipped for a young teenager and so we were advised that NY really wasn’t geared to help kids like Mike, their programs were for adults. That is how he ended up in Pennsylvania. Two weeks at rehab and 3 months in a halfway house. He came home and relapsed after 3 weeks, broke an order of protection that we were advised to get because he was so violent and angry, was arrested and sent back to the halfway house where he graduated from high school and then went onto sober living. He left on his own and came back to Syracuse and moved in with his friend. We knew we had to let him try to handle his own life and grow up. He worked a job and did his own thing. He didn’t live with us and he was managing his own affairs. He met a girl and moved in with her. She became pregnant with my first granddaughter. The relationship between Mike and his girlfriend ended shortly after the baby was born. Mike was totally broken by this and started spiraling again. He lived with another friend for awhile after that but the apartment was a long drive from his daughter and after driving for his job all day it became too much and he asked if he could move home until he could figure his life out. We let him come home on the condition of no drugs or alcohol. He was respectful and did ok for awhile but it wasn’t too long before he was arrested. He was in a young friends car who the police had been watching. They stopped the kid and searched the car, found drugs and arrested them both. Mike swears he didn’t know about the drugs and so we let him continue to stay with us. He was a good dad and trying to be respectful to us. He suffered greatly through all of this. He was never good with money, spent every penny he made, left bills unpaid and just so behind in maturity. I was always so scared for him. How would he ever be able to be a responsible happy adult. Today he is truly suffering. He is married and has 3 kids with his wife. She has gone through one alcohol relapse and inpatient stay with him. About 4 yrs ago, we could see Mike spiraling again. He was supposed to help us move because he had a truck. He was late showing up because he was fighting with his wife and slammed his fist into something. He showed up with the truck, late and angry and ended up leaving the other guys to move the stuff and went to urgent care for his hand. When he came back he said he was going to divorce his wife because he couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t ask him why and he didn’t tell me more. I advised him to think long and hard about it because she was the best thing that ever happened to him and besides he had 4 kids to support. How would he live? We knew they were having problems. She called us once and we went out to her house. She was crying and said that Mike hadn’t been coming home and that he told her he didn’t know if he liked her anymore. All we could do was pray and we still are praying. His last episode was about 18 months ago. He had an affair with a girl at work. He was working 12 – 18 hrs a day. He ended up stealing $50,000 from his job. He was fired and slapped with his first felony. I’m not sure what happened inside me but it also happened to my husband and my other son. We just couldn’t be close to it anymore. We have been suffering right along with Mike all this time but Mike isn’t able to see any pain but his own. He never contacted us when he was arrested. He and his wife are angry because we didn’t contact him. We were hurting too. Whenever he hurts, we hurt. They don’t see that. Every time we see him since this last episode, he explodes in anger. We know he is hurting but we just cant take the way he treats us anymore. We love him and honestly always have and always will. He blames us for everything. He feels like we abandoned him. We tried so hard and failed at every attempt to help him. The last 40 years has been hard for us too. It’s difficult to live your life and watch someone you love continue to make awful choices that affect the whole family. Just because he cant see our suffering doesn’t mean we aren’t. Anyway, he has totally shut us out. He doesn’t want any contact with us and he doesn’t want us to see his kids. He thinks we favor our other son. He said he wasn’t brought up the same way. They were and still are both very much loved by us. They have very different lives because of the choices they made. My desire is whatever You want Father. I’m tired, I’m hurting and I feel like I have no more options. I guess I will love and let be and wait on You. I have nothing else. Please love us all through this and heal us, all of us. Amen

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