For my life to be whole again

by Xin ()

Honestly, I’m unsure of how to phrase my sentence and what to type here. I just know I needed help. I’ve tried alot of methods (praying, applying for jobs, being consistent in whatever I do, searching for courses, etc). I needed a job that I can stay and work in the long run. Not just any job but a job that I would find joy doing not just for the money with manageable office hours and a decent pay to feed my stomach and for saving up for further studies..I found out that I really wanted to work in the healthcare section recently this year but I’ve got no relevant certificate. I’m interested in art too but I don’t really want to make it into a career with timelines. I want to enjoy my hobbies not making it into a job and be sick of doing it after a few years later. I wanted to help my parents with the bills. I wanted to further my education. I know I’m way too far back behind all my peers back in high school. I got stuck around 2012, I couldn’t figure out where my real passion is and when I did it was 2018 now. I didn’t have a good record in my job history and now most employers wouldn’t even bother to hire me because of how I’ve been job skipping. Which is ironic because I had a hard time handling being bullied everywhere I work at. I’ve been having a hard time controlling my emotions since I was a child, I’ve been fostered and abused. I guess all that emotional and physical stress have build up and I’m not sure when and where I’ve really lost it. I just know that I’ve always been bullied whether I’m in school, at the workplace, or out. I’ve been an outcast before back in 2012. That’s when I started feeling suicidal. Then in 2018, I started starving myself. I m not consistent in everything I do, I’m Procrastinating a lot. I sleep, eat and shower at abnormal times. I felt like I couldn’t really get a good grasp of my self control. I don’t have any friends anymore other than a few church friends which I’m not sure if we are really friends or not. We don’t chat or hang out much. I feel awkward around people even if we did. I think I started having social anxiety after I stop talking to anyone much since 2012 (even my families). I went to a church since 2017 April but I stop attending church in 2017 because I felt like I was being manipulated by the bible study leader I had. We agreed on some things but she would start talking down and belittling me whenever I don’t agree with some things she said. Treating me just like how my previous Foster mother would treat me before my parents came to bring me back. I just felt weak and tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. I felt like I was at nowhere. Like there was no hope. I kept getting injured and I was not feeling motivated at all. Perhaps because of how my mum always compared me with my cousin who had better grades than me and with how I wanted to do better but was stuck at knowing what I really want. I just started realising in 2017 that I have been just following my friends to study the course they studied. I don’t have a major due to that too. Money was a problem to me since everything is quite pricey with how Private schools are. I’m not sure if I would be accepted with how low my GPA is. I’m starting to be worried about my future. I want to go to school, study, have friends and be that cheerful me again. I couldn’t really see any hope in me. I’m not sure if I should see a psychologist too.

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