Ein Gebet, um meine Angst und meinen Schmerz zu überstehen

by adriana ()

My Lord, I’m deeply saddened because I’ve heard the final judgement of my life. The judgement that I’m forbidden of the fruit of ever experiencing the kind of love I wanted in my life. It came from the one who is related to me. She spoke words of curses out of her mouth. Words that explained how embarrassed she was of me whenever I tried finding my true destiny. She calls me a fail up in life because of it. I get angry and call it that I fulfilled God’s plan for my life. For I have obeyed the prophecies of the church itself. I have to work on my sister’s heart that the way I went about it was not the fault of mine, but the traps of the enemy. She looks to me as if I really were the blame of all my misfortunes. In realty my mother wished it on me since I was a child. She said, I had a problem of acknowledging that I was loved, so she prayed that I too will really find true Christian love that would last forever. The only thing, all my relations died along with her hopes and dreams for me. At first it wasn’t me looking for them, it was my mother who initiated the whole thing and now my sister lives in fear and won’t have relationships at all because of my mistakes that really wasn’t my fault. So, now I’m condemned for life, and I’m not to be with anyone. Will you be a friend? At least I can hear the voice of a real man. Even though I wouldn’t be able to come near you? I hope the answers yes! At least I’ll think less of my disease and walk into normality. This isn’t fair to me, and I hope you work on my sisters heart. I need that support. Please take care of all my offspring for me as well, they need to look to me as a leader, and I have to be strong now that I’m on my own. You are to never speak of my fail ups and make my name great again. Your not even mention them to all of my offspring as well, for to them I have always been number one! Do this in memory of me, and please don’t deny my sister the same fruit of love. For she needs to get over her fear of me and come to her senses. I pray that she enjoys life and all that love can bring. I hope I can love myself through all the choices I ‘ve made , but I not secure in knowing that I’ve failed up in life when I was listening to the will of the church. I’m not pleased of all the brainwashing they did with my mom and me. Then turn around and blamed me. What horrible accusations and cruel mental treatment they gave me. I needed love too in life and the hope that someone would love me the way I wanted to be loved. Look at me, they turned me into a monster or a leprosy, where no man could come into contact with because their accusations and insinuations. That was a lie what everyone thought. Life should of been normal for me as well. How could they? Haven’t they even have any dignity then to put the blame on someone they wanted to destroy or felt inferior to? What were they thinking? Listen, my love, don’t hold this abnormality against me, for it isn’t true of me. Their were times I just had friends that were males, but that didn’t mean sexual relations. God please forgive your people and me is I gave the wrong impression. This isn’t right. Amen!

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