by Flossy ()

God is not a promise keeper. I waited to be delivered from depression over 20 years and I still want to end my life. I’m only here because I’m afraid of hell and I think I’ll go there if I do that. Otherwise I would have killed myself a decade ago. I’ve sought Him out, read His word, declared His word over my life, prayed, prayed with people, worshipped Him. Everything. He gave me nothing. I waited and for a long time I really believed He would heal me. But, He hasn’t. He singled me out to not answer my prayer. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says we won’t be given more than we can handle but that is obviously a lie because this has been more than I can handle and I’m about to handle it no more in a matter of months. I can’t do this anymore. I’m trying really really really hard not to take my life because hell can’t possibly be much worse than the mental torment I experience all day every day along with having to hide it. I really feel like God made me to hurt me and that He never loved me and that He’s never going to love me or help me no matter how hard I try and get Him to notice me and this has me crying myself to sleep every night. I hope I’m wrong but I feel no comfort from God. I even didn’t get that shot because I felt that I would go to hell if I did. I’m probably going to get it so at least my family will like me. I’m probably going to relapse because at least when I was using, I felt happy a part of the time and it’s better than nothing, which is how much I’m worth to this God I’ve spent years in vain praying to.

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