Trouble In Our Marriage

by Stephanie ()

I have been fighting for my marriage for 25 years. I have turned a blind eye, I have walked on eggshells and I have cried many nights asleep asking God to convict my husband for using divorce as a crutch whenever we argue. He goes weeks without talking to me, spends every weekend running with friends to hunt and things are good when I don’t question his motives, when I don’t tell him no when he’s wanting to purchase something of “want” and we have bills to pay, groceries to buy or the kids need something. If I say no he throws a tantrum. For instance, the fight now is this: He found land he wants to buy but it’s an hour away from our home now and we’ve lived in this new house for less than 6 years. He’s spend the last 3 weeks 100% fixated on drawing house plans, calling lumber yards and contractors etc. I literally sat alone on Valentines Day eating leftovers because he was too preoccupied drawing house plans at our kitchen island. He had promised our kids they could and should stay with us to save money while in college and now because he wants to rebuild on this new he makes comments about pushing them out (this hurts our kids and upsets me, they feel pushed out and are hurt. We have made commitments with our children and we need to honor that – but to make this “want of his to come true” we would have to push them out earlier – to me is selfish – this would have to have happen because we’d have to live in a camper for a year or more while we build (offering no one a chance for privacy). His parents offered their land in their will to him but it’s 40 acres and homes surrounding it, so he really won’t have much of an opportunity to hunt as the deer have been driven out. They found out about this land by him and obviously got upset (but took it out on me and not him – stating if their land isn’t good enough or he no longe wants it then they would leave it to our kids because they feel like my husband is leaving them out high and dry) – his mom is about as selfish and throws tantrums making snap decisions as he is. I told my husband they didn’t understand the land he’s wanting when they offered theirs when they pass on and he got mad at me (they have been humoring him by looking at pole barn houses, land opportunities and more instead of having real conversations on they really feel – so to him I look like I don’t know what I’m talking about). None the less, he then asked me if I would cash in my 401K to help buy the land – my answer was no. I had been praying over this decision to move and had asked God to intervene and close doors if this was not supposed to happen. If we can’t afford it by selling our home and building on our own then to me that was a door God was closing. He then got mad and asked if I could ask my mom to loan us $30K – I said no. My daddy had passed 2 years earlier (and she was still grieving that loss and again if we had to ask for money that was a door God was closing) – he didn’t like my response. So it’s been 4 days of not talking to me, treating me like trash, threatening divorce and placing the blame of not being able to buy the land on me and now mad at me for his moms comment of giving this land to the grandkids and fear of missing out on his Plan B. I told his parents they needed to have real conversations with him about how they feel and if they don’t agree with the new land then they need to quit humoring him and looking around with him and be honest. That obviously upset them – but it’s time to call a spade a spade and to be honest I don’t deserve to be put in the middle of that by either of them.

Every time he gets mad or frustrated in our 25 year marriage he threatens divorce. So I have never really had a sense of belonging, my family is all in Iowa and I am in Alabama and because of his moods friends don’t stick around long enought to get to know. I have asked God to close doors if this wasn’t His will for us, and if divorce was going to continue to be on the table every time he got upset – why go into further debt and isolate myself even more now from my children who would be an hour away?

I have prayed for God to convict him for how he treats me, to humble him. My husband holds intimacy over my head, and thinks degrating me over it will get him what he wants – only it drives me further away. When I walk on eggshells daily and constantly wonder when the next ball will drop or if divorce talk this time will become reality I don’t feel close to him like that….it is hard for me to respect or trust him. I have prayed and prayed for God to talk to him or place someone in his life to minister to him (and he has a God fearing partner at work – but he allows his partner to see his Christian side and he comes home as another man to me) – so his partner has no clue what’s happening in the background. This new land he wants is right next door to his partners….so of course the partner is encouraging that while not knowing what is being done to his wife and family at home.

I have friends, but they won’t come around because of his moods and the way he puts me down. So I literally have no-one to talk to, no-one to encourage me and no love on the backside to keep me going – I feel 100% alone.
-How do I continue to pray to God, when I feel so alone?
-How do I continue to pray for a marriage when I feel like I am the only one fighting for it?
-How do you give 100% into a marriage and willing to be selfless only to turn around and there is no one doing the same for you?
-How do you keep praying – when you feel like God isn’t listening?

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